My thoughts…..

so much for a new beginning... hehehehehe it didnt last.... i still hv mood swings.... why why why.. i get it now it was never meant for me... so i want to move on but why it doesnt want me to? i hate break ups...!!!!!! i hv so much to do... life is just not about heart break... there is more... work work work i hv so much to do n everday it adds on.. when i am going to finish if i keep on hving mood swings,.. i get up trying to control any mood swings... then rush for school in school try to be as busy as possbile so i dont think much... on the way back is where it all starts.. i start thinking.. flash backs.... n by the time i am back.. it starts... i get tired with myself... and off to sleep to control the swings... get up bath n then facebook... where i try to...... i dont know wht.... then i start chatting.... then i get sleepy work will not be done... n the circle starts again the next day.... this is not me... i need to do something... i need to be focus n get wor...

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu today's fourtune  cookie on FB.. true... to start a change one has to take the beginning step n never turn back.... cause if one turns back.. then the journey will never complete... so this was wht in my mind this morning.... it has been 5 months....since "the incident: and i still hvnt recover.... it tiring... its painful... it just is.... but how long will i be like this? i am tired of myself.... it is not that i dont want to change but i just dont hv the energy to fight my stubborn self.... i hv become to sensitive nowadays... that even if a person i dont really know behaviours to my dislike... i tend to get emotional... stupid right...? i keep on saying to myself... i am the boss of my feelings.. so i decide how i feel.... so i should be bothered about others... i just need to do wht is right,,, arghhhhh ok keeping this rubbish aside.... now i want to start my new journey (alone as usual) ...

yes i am jealous..... i miss being in love.... that lovely feeling you have in you.. that very things is so nice... that nothing can go wrong... that feeling of wanting to care soooo much for that person... that feeling when you get his call... that feeling when you are talking to him that feeling when you get his good morning sms just a few seconds after getting up... even writing about it makes a smile appear on my face i remember how i used to be so happy then... but now that it is gone... when i see others in love.. i am jealous... mean right? but i am human they look so cute... they look nice.. they look enough for each other... a smile appears on my face seeing them...knowing how that feelings is... but it doesnt last cause i see myself... out of love... i wonder if i was really in love... or if that person had the same feelings or it was just me.... love makes life so beautiful when it last but once it is gone....it sucks the life out of you...!

I am restless. I can’t be bothering her every time.She is my best friend but she has a life of her own. It has been months and I need to get a grip. After watching House (20 June 2010), seeing the way Dr. Cuddy handle issues in her life makes me want to be like her. To keep on doing what I know is right even though when the going gets tough. I have to stand by my decision, decisions that are well decided on. I have to think of what is the right thing. I might be addicted to coffee :)) but I can’t use that as an escape route. I have to do it by myself. I have to stay focus and continue life. Yes, I do want it to turn out right but maybe it is just not meant to be. There will be someone for me, but it doesn’t mean I have to just focus on that, live goes on and so will mine. If I could do it before this, focus on other aspects of life then just a few months shouldn’t change that.

what is love after breakup? you still think of the person even when the person was hurt you with words and action? you still are willing to forgive it all? you still wish that person well? you still want to see that person happy? you still think of that person? you feel weak knowing nothing of that person? you remember the person's promises, dreams and words? or is this all just obsession? or it is just feelings that i dont want to lose knowing that if i let them go i am letting that person go? i dont know what is this.. but i want it gone... i want my life back.... i want to stop these feelings.. i know i am the master of my feelings.... but it hard.. i try... i force myself not to think... but i am hurting myself more.... i am tourturing my body....headaches... sleepsless nights....fever....cant eat.... it is not that i dont want to get up and change my life but i dont have the energy to constantly control myself... it tiring.... why is it easy for some... they j...

am i? am i bad? do i deserve what is happening to me? maybe i do.. i got to know these bunch of people .. well we are not close... but guess wht they hv blocked me from their facebook.... they treat me as i am the bad one... but wht they did to me....? i want answers that is the reason why i approcah them.. to clear my heard off the doubts i hv.. ..yes i did bugg them for answers... and finally they hv decided to just to get rid of me... treat me as i am a terrible virus... treat me as a disease.... i laugh a my faith.... for who i hv become.... i know i am to ignore these people... but i laugh at the irony in it... why do i hv to go trough this? am i bad?

i get it.. finally i understand why it all happen... the curtains are drawn... now the truth is out... everything was fake... yet i wish yet i dream yet i hope why do i still wish dream hope. cause ..... i am blind..