My thoughts…..

it all the things that is going in my life i just needed 1 more thing to spice it up.... a calf hit my car.... why why.. i did break but the van from the opposite side had already hit the calf... so it like "flew" n hit my car.. all i could wish was that the calf was not death under my car.... i was so afarid to open my door.. just in case i could see its head or legs under my car... when i did i didnt see anything... i asked the uncle in the van.."sudah dia lari" "already ran" then i thought my car.. was it hit..? can it move? slowly i started the car... it moved... then i thought is there any dent.... shit shit.... it was not my fault.. why my car has to suffer... when i got down to check... yes yes it was dent... my car poor baby.... why why.... with all that is happening in my life... now this how worse can it get...? 2 things happen n both were not my fault. why why.. hmmmm i am tired... i did ask once why like can just be flat... i h...

its just march and i am already doing a review of the year hehehehe... so much has happen... i just cant imagine... the year started off great... i fell in love.... so funny lah so funny lah.... now its just seems weird.... i wish i didnt... cause the pain is just too much.... i am lost... i dont know myself anymore.... its so hard to pull myself together cause every time i do..i just go back to 0 or maybe negative ...hheeheheh i wish there was a switch that can just off my feelings... i just want to be like always am.... now i am nobody... i dont even have my family anymore... is it worth that person.... i dont know... the thought of losing that person.. makes me weak... but i just know that person for 2 months.... why why cant i just get over it.... its not worth it.... its not worth holding on cause in the end it will never happen.... i am meant to be alone... just by myself.... with all that has happen... i am forced to change my blog add. close my friendster...

Have I grown enough..? Have I matured enough to gain the confidence in others.. I am tired… I am tired of people not taking me seriously… for god sake I know what I am doing…. Damn it lah … Come on lah why do people around me treat me as I am dumb… don’t they look at me n see a person they can trust.. Yes I don’t know many things… I need to learn a lot .. I am learning but give a break I can be learning everything just like that.. it will take time… I am tires of this nonsense… I realize that the more I tell people my feelings… they always take it wrongly n end of it I will be the one to be blamed.. it will be like I am the one who is creating the problem… ridiculous seriously its ridiculous… Everyone is thinking that I don’t know how to make decision.. yes I do make decision using my heart more than my brain cause I like it that way it makes me happy… I like buying stuff for my neighbor’s kids cause I know they love it… I want to see their exciting faces when I give them the ...

yes.... i am in a relationship.....dont laugh lah... before i write more... just to say... if u r reading this well this has to stay here only.... cause writing is like a therapy for me...it helps me to get over issues in my life... so lets this all stay here... it all started 4 weeks ago... n i feel like it has been for for years... i went through a lot... from a gal to a woman then to this lady who sees herself married.... by the way it's not an easy process... so much has been said....too many feelings were shared...it all seem to be true...unseen future were dreamt off then all of sudden something happen.... and it seems that out was the only way... damn it was hard.... everything seems fake.... i just couldnt get the idea that it might all be fake.... feelings shared..fake.... words said fake....future ruin it was somethings that i couldnt comprehend... could it have been fake...? well i will never know... cause now it seems better.. things r back to normal... ...

something i found online... forgot to link... sorry A good nugget of wisdom to remember is that you shouldn't marry the person you know you can live with for the rest of your life; marry the one whom you can't imagine yourself living Realize that you are not going to live in harmony every second of every day you are married.You are not perfect, and neither is your partner, married or not. If you're waiting to be with someone with whom every day is rainbows and sunshine, you'll never settle down or get married because no one will ever be able to live up to that illusion. Marriage is hard work and it takes your whole life to complete it. Too many people get married with the expectation that if things start to get tough, they'll just file for divorce and start all over again. Be prepared for the bumps in the road, and don't be surprised when you come across them.

sigh..... sigh... i guess how many sigh i take...it wont go away... i am afraid.... i am afraid of this new phase of life that i am going to take ... i never imagine that i will go through this phase... well i am lying... yes i hv imagine... but i guess i just felt that it will never happen... and now it is happening... i am excited cause its fun, nice,, new, it just feels right... but then i starting thiking too much and i hv doubts about it... is it true... is it right... aint i moving through the phase too fast?  is there something i should worry about,,,? or will i be prepared to go through the phase,,,,? i doubt myslef... i dont want to ruin it,.... cause so many people are looking forward to it... even i am looking forward but i am afraid..... that history repeats itself.... cause i hv enough of being sad for myself.... i dont want to be the cause of any more sorrows.....sigh sigh sigh... p/s some may know what nonsense i am taking about.... so shhhhhh... ...

Samelan 2009. I kind of miss it. Weird thing i wish i was there now. Last year was a weird experience. I didn't really enjoy it. But now i really wish i was there. Enjoying a week with Waheguru. Really missing it.