My thoughts…..

 It is 743pm. I am sitting in front of my laptop figuring out what I need to do first. I feel so lost and useless I am afraid that I am not good enough to be me. AHHHH Is that the problem? Did I just figure it out? I have this image of what others think of me, so now when I think I can't keep up to it I doubt myself. It all makes sense now. So what should I do?

its the same every monday morning... i feel guilty... guilty tht during the weekend i didnt do anything.. tht i just let it pass me... then i think about the week ahead i get nerves and feel like hiding... i tell myself this has to change... but still i get stuck in the same circle every time... refocus plz...

so its Saturday.... i got up at 650a,... it felt so amazing to wake up and not have to rush to somewhere. the bed and my blanket felt so good and so comfortable. I felt so Happy. i really wait for the weekends nowadays because i plan to do a lot during the weekend. but as you would guess, i dont get much done.  its like waking up on weekend, i just forget everything i have to do. so its 915 a.m, and all i hv done is have breakfast - nasi lemak - my favourite... p/s how do you set for auto-capital? something i need to Google on...

achievement comes with hard work! does that motto sound right? or should it be achievement comes with smart work? so which one am i doing? it tiring to get up early everyday and repeat the same cycle everyday.... so does this mean i am not working smart? i need to think about this? guess rather than scrolling up and down facebook, i should have read about about this... but i work best early in the morning... my mine is clear and ideas flow... or is it because i hv limited time in the morning so i work fast???? so many aspects to look into.. or am i giving excuses??? arghhh why do i over think? ok got to go back to work...... lets hope today is a productive day!

fyi.. the thesis is done.. and yes i am graduating... beginning of the year i set a few goals for myself to achieved... 1) finish thesis by march 2) lose weight 3) save up atleast rm1000 its October... and only 1 achieved.. but i finished in may.... instead of losing weight i gain 4kg... and i am sure ur thinking about it... yes.. instead of saving tht 1000 i think i spent more... so baciscally the year doesnt look tht promising... so back to the title... yes only 34 days left for me to graduate... and i am going to meet a few ppl during tht time.. and i will be taking pictures... so will i look good in those photos? i really want to... atleast i would have achieved another goal... so now i just need to focus on getting up early at 5 to go walking at the sport complex.. hope tht with the diet control i can atleast lose 5 kg... huhuhu plz plz plz plz  plz plz let me lose weight..!!!!

i am so lost now... so many things pending huhuhu... especial my thesis.. when when will i finish it?

Yes I am fat.. . Reading one of my previous post... from 2011...I am shocked to realise I was 65kg... damn... 65kg... now it has gone up so much... In 3 years I gain so much... wow. How did I let tht happen? How did I let myself get so fat... Am find it hard to digest after reading tht post... tht time I was complaining of being 65kg... if I would hv known tht it would go up so much I would hv done something.... would I? So wht am I doing now? ????

Last night, i slept at 11 then woke up at 6 today morning. That is 7 hours of sleep, yet i still feel sleepy. i had my morning coffee, hoping that the urge to sleep will go away. But, no.. it is still there.  I tried Google-ling to find the answer. well.. the most logical answer is that i didnt complete my sleeping cycle.. which is 8 hours of undisturbed sleep.. but i have heard some ppl with just 6 hours of sleep.. they are energetic as ever.. why cant i be like them.. or another reason is that i am just lazy.. just lazy to force myself to do the list of work tht i have pile up... hmmmm... ok want to try to walk this need to sleep.. hope i dont go and sleep.. heehhee... laters..

yes.. its a guy this time... and no i am not into him... this is a friend from my degree years... i envy his happy go lucky life style... he teaches in a rural school... much rural than me... based on wht i hv observed on how he spends his days......he is super active.. always on the move... and i feel he has contributed a lot to his school.. he is always coming up with new programs... he is involved in the district  meetings... his teaching aids look great too i wonder how does he do it all.. he even hv time to fly back to kl.. for bookfairs... huhuhu how i envy him... i am so short of money... tht by the time my pay comes in it finishes.. huhuhu.. so tht my today's thought...

no i am not into gals... lol there is this teacher... a lady teacher.... who i got to know from her amazing work and ideas as a teacher... her ideas are out of this world... she is a teacher in a rural school.. similar to me... i am amazed with her spirit... she is so focused.. she is so into teaching.. i thought i am.. but i am so wrong.. i do nothing like her... she inspires the pupils in her school.. actually think about it,, not only her school but also other schools... i wonder why i cant be like her... be focus.. be a teacher... recently she used Bruno Mars.."be best friend forever" in her class to do writing... amazing kan? its all cause of my laziness.. i am such a lazy person...and i think i am doing good but actually i am not.. i just sit most of the time.. staring at my computer... dreaming... fb... games.. nothing useful.. i want to make a differences... but i hv baggage... huhuhu work i mean... i hv my thesis to do.. which i dont know where to s...

it's february the 1st 2014.... last night... or the last 3 weeks of my life has been a roller coaster ride.... ups and downs.... n finally its all over... i want to be angry with someone... but the truth is that it is not being angry that matters.. but what i do after this.... i do want to hurt my self... ( no physically) but emotionally.. mentally... make myself pay for wht i put myself through... if only i stop myself when it started... if only i told myself that it is too good to be true... that it will not happen again... tht i will fall in love.... yes i did it again... i felt in love again... and as usual.. it didnt last... to finally have something that was in my thoughts.. its a magically experience for me.. he made me fall in love so fast.. that i couldnt stop myself and before i know it i just wanted to go with the flow... and again i want to go agaisnt all odds to just be with him... werid wht love can make you do...but yes i was willing... but eve...

yes i want more..... i think maybe its the age... cause i feel like i am missing something.... i know i know some will say get a guy n get married... well i am not talking about that.... thats another story.. i am talking about myself... i feel like i myself am missing something that i need to find ... recently i have  been like having flash back of what i used to do... small things that made me happy .. things that i used to do to make myself better in my own eyes... for example... i used to hv a book that i write up words tht i keep on for getting how to spell....this was before i become and english teacher lol... but i still do hv thing problem... i forget how to spell.. n i hv to write it down to know wht is missing...  but back to the story.. a small spelling book... then i used to hv this study table tht was like my place... i got a poly-stern,,, a small one wrapped it with colour paper n hang it up... so when i sat on my table i could see up and there it w...

yes.. it has been a long time since i last wrote... benn wanting to.. but time is my enemy now... started masters mid last year... n life has been upside down since that... so wht i am up to... nothing much... doing the same thing i been wanting to do... let me share the list... on top of it all.... my weight.... its not moving up or down... just stuck  hmmm need to jump start.. school... work is piling up...  with the kssr.. and now linus... my English room is on hold... nothing has changed much other than more work is piled up there... my 3B.. a class that i been teaching for 2 years now.. hmmm stressed up with how much the hv improved... hmmmm money... eventhough my pay is increasing but its never enough... my 29th birthday is coming... i started this "must do somthing" big even since my 26th birthday... 26th - got a set of RM1600 books... 27th - hmm i cant remember.. then it must hvnt been special.. 28th - coloured hair... 29th - this year want to ...

2 more days n it's a new year! 2013 wow time flies so fast. So as usual I have a lot to do. Well actually not "a lot". It's hard concentrating on one thing when your mind is not. Well I'm curious how can someone just cut u off.? Just like that? Ok find I know I said a few harsh things but to just shut me off? Wow maybe that person is hoping for a sorry. But before this the relationship was casual that sorry I don't think it's necessary Ok I know I sound like an arrogant bitch but listen before u decide if I'm one. It's just that we  curse each other always it was a understanding between both of us. So why now all of sudden? Well I have tried calling n sent a few msg but yet this person choose to ignore me. Like I don't exist. Yes I know I should also just ignore since it's easy for that person to do so. But why why it's annoying I just want to know WHY? N HOW COME IS SO EASY FOR YOUR TO IGNORE ME!  I just need to keep mysel...

yes... i am studying again.... now it seems like a bad idea... now i doubt how did i finish my degree.. i feel so stuipid.... n also its like i am so thick in the head.... i feel like i am stubborn... i dont want to change... in my head i am telling myself to do this n that... it all seem perfect in my mind...but when i sit doen n start doing... i just feel stupid... n i am doubting myself... i dont like my work now... its like i am bluffing my way... arghhhhh rubbish..... i am off to bed.... i hv 2 proposals 1 article review 1 group work... all due on the 7th 8th n 9th... o wish me luck.... n i hope this all over well.. cause the first week is exams.... shit... why did i start masters??????????????????????

:) i dont know wht to put as the tittle.. so i am leaving it blank... actually its been a long time since i posted anything... even my last post was a act of "complicated mind" lol... so here i am today to post another - let my mind flow post the main thought on my mind is my health. since june this year, my body is going against me... :( my mind is telling me i am still young... i hv so much to do... but my body is not listening... i been having gastric... i think it started with my yo yo diet... i took a 2 or 3 types of diet product... hence my stomach would hv suffered for my hasty actions in losing weight... i was 64kg   early jan... but all of sudden it just happen... hmmm not all of sudden.:)  i just started eating n eating... n i put on 11 kg... in a time of 4/6 months...  when i realize i gain double of wht i lost, it was too late.... just a week ago i had this worse gastric attack... as a result i had to control my diet.. no spicy no oily stuf...

am watching TANU weds MANU... a nice story i feel... of love.... never go after love cause it will come to u by itself.. n be a friend of the person you love.... thats will make the relationship last. look at the other person as ur friend. will be want to stay with this friend for the rest of your life? tahu tells manu to wait another day.. she is getting married in the next day... he waits.... he comes back cause she tells him to wait... hmmmm that's wht true love is about... just want to make that person happy doesn't matter if ur own heart bleeds. he buy the wedding garland for her... well his love end? will his love have a change to breath? why is he doing this? why is he going for her wedding? i once heard... "if it is your it will come to you... if it doesnt means its not yours..." maybe he is testing this out,,, wait .. n we will know in awhile... the pen not working.... the pen of the register.... the office closes... wow.. wht a save!!!! n...

well since i been teaching i been trying to make my classes a conducive environment for the kids.. 2009... well i say 30%.. 2010... hmmm 15%.. but this year i want to give ti 100% so i hv started... lets see if it really happen.. writing on 20 may 2020 - the pictures got removed... but they were my pic...

it happening again,,, always when i am back for the holidays.. the first day will be miserable... i wont know wht to do... my mind will be running wild.. thinking of sooooooooo many stuff... now its my weight,,, why cant it go down n stay there... the highest i hv been was 70++ when i was in high school... after leaving university,,, that was in 2008 i was 64... i felt great,...i felt like i was on top of the world.... then i went for my posting... n gain 4 kg... i was 68 in 2009 then i started to lose weight.... was 64 back... the had a heart break... n got to be a 62kg.... i was happy.. at least something good come out of being down... then it when up 1 kg.. down up down... now 13 march 2011 i am 65kg...i think or was it 66kg hmmm i hate it... i feel so fat... my tummy is like bulging... i wish i would get rid of it.... hmmm so am sitting here.. typing away.. while drinking this herbal tea that helps to burn... it has work before,,,, my BMI is 23.3.. i am suppo...

Its been a long time since I wrote here. I been meaning to write but i been busy. Busy? hmmm i wonder what lol so today's issue - i know i shouldnt be doing it... i shouldnt be bothered.... i should be cool.... but why why it keeps on popping out in my face? ok..here i go again.. rambling about something that only i know about lol sorry but i hv to if not i would be making a fool out of myself... so .. basically i should be cracking my head for something that shouldnt matter... i should focus on my work load... my god i feel like i hv so much to do... but when i do sit down n do... i just dont know where to start... so wish me luck.... n pray that i get something done soon!!!!